Friday, January 15, 2010
Halloween 2 (2009)
I'm aware I'm late seeing this modern day slasher remake sequel from infamous bringer of shit Rob Zombie. The reason for my tardiness is that I refused to spend theater prices on seeing it and the $1 from Redbox (I forgot to find a free code online) seemed far easier to stomach. Well I feel like a large man raped me and made me cry for days on end.
From here on out the movie will be referred to as Zombieween 2 as I really feel its a disgrace to the original Halloween franchise. Yes, even the later entries. The movie picks up somewhat where the remake from 2007 left off. Laurie Strode is being taken to the hospital to treat her wounds, though this is after we see her walking around without too much trouble. Myers who isn't dead is also strapped into an ambulance with a couple of typical Rob Zombie characters who just seem to say "fuck" a lot and continue to perfectly define white trash. In the only entertaining portion of the entire 97 minute duration the ambulance rams full speed into a cow that was crossing the road. This may only be funny to me because I thought about when I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning in theaters and another cow was ran into and a friend of mine couldn't help but yell "fucking bovine!" at the screen and crack up the entire theater. Now that the ambulance is smashed up Myers is freed and in an amazing strike of luck he is able to find a shard of glass that looks just like a knife and not only kill the surviving paramedic but saw his head off in a scene that was surely meant to do little than stroke Rob Zombie's own ego.
After this we get a Laurie hospital scene that isn't worth going into because it ends up being a 10 minute dream. Follow this with some typical slasher movie fare that just wasn't nearly as entertaining as a slasher should be and throw in some remarkably stupid visions involving Laurie's dead mother, a white horse, young Michael and some snow and we have the majority of the body of the film.
When we get to the big finale, we have more visions and illusions, Michael and Laurie locked in a shack and Dr Loomis somehow able to walk through a police barricade to get in there to talk sense into Michael. After some truly bad choices of seeing the shot through a night-visioned sniper scope's point of view Michael is taken down (but certainly not out as Zombieween 3 is coming) we get Laurie walking out of the shed with Michael's mask on and it looked sillier than when young Michael wore the mask in the first Zombieween.
And finally the movie closes out with Laurie sitting with her head down in a long white hospital room, quite obviously a psych ward, and when she looks up we get one last look at Sherri Moon Zombie and her fucking white horse. Then the shot cuts back to Laurie who looks up and gives an incredibly cheesy smirk to the camera.
John Carpenter's music doesn't show up until the scene of Laurie wearing the mask which is a shame since Zombie's choices for music weren't good. Rob Zombie really wanted to make an artsy film here under the moniker of Halloween and what we got was a giant turd. A giant horse turd. In fact I was the white horse would have taken a dump every time it was on screen, at least then we would have some symbolism for the film.
This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.