Dead Snow (2009)

Dead Snow is a Norwegian zombie flick from director Tommy Wirkola. Everything about the marketing for this movie screamed entertaining, fun, and intriguing. It was going to be a breath of fresh air into the stale genre. That is until you sit down and watch it.

The plot of the story is nothing ground breaking- A group of friends is going to a cabin in the mountains to spend their Easter vacation from medical school. Apparently this area is infested with pissed off WWII Nazi zombies that want the treasure they couldn't obtain from some families while they were alive. And of course the vacationing students are caught up in the middle of this.

As soon as the movie starts it comes off as annoying. A few zombies are chasing a girl through the snowy woods but it all comes off as extremely hokey thanks to the blasting soundtrack of Beethoven's 9th symphony (Ode To Joy). The film never recovers from that, the few attempts early on to build suspense fail thanks to breaking it all up with lame humor and cheap jump scares. It doesn't take long for Wirkola to totally forget about any serious tone and completely go for humor.

If you were born with half a brain you begin to feel like you wrote the screenplay for this movie because of how predictable it is. Every turn of the camera, every jump scare, every cue for music is by the book. And by the book is generally boring and uninspired.

There really is little else here to talk about as far as the actual movie goes, there are plot holes (how did "A few soldiers got away" turn into the hundreds we saw a the end as zombies) and questions left unanswered (how the hell did he get the machine gun on the snowmobile that we never saw him pick up). I was also scratching my head most of the movie as to why these Nazi zombies sounded like lions growling, and why the hell did they decide to use a green screen and CGI blood the first time we get to see a zombie in the daylight? The green screen was used as a snowy backdrop... the same as the rest of the movie! Did they just somehow forget to shoot that scene?

I mentioned the music being incredibly loud during the opening, well anytime they had a song playing it was like that. It would kill your ear drums with truly obnoxious Norwegian alternative and nu-metal.

There is a lot that I've left for you to discover on your own if you decide to give it a try. It seems Wirkola's intention with Dead Snow was little more than make a feature length homage to his favorite horror movies. I have no problem with directors honoring great movies that influenced them but little things are enough. Its very amateurish to lift entire sequences and scenes from classic movies.

Its a shame that Dead Snow took the direction it did, it did have some cool moments and the fairly simplistic design of the zombies was good. Dead Snow could easily have been a re-watchable flick and instead was painful to sit through.

3/10

Blood Creek (2009)

Director Joel Schumacher is well known for his fan-favorite vampire movie The Lost Boys, his thrillers Phonebooth and The Number 23 and his entries into the 90's Batman series (including the horrible Batman & Robin). While he has had mixed success over his career when it comes to horror his films are usually decent.

Blood Creek (originally titled Town Creek) starts out in pre-WWII West Virginia at the home of the Wollners, a German family living in America, are contacted by the Third Reich about hosting a German historian, Richard Wirth, as he does his work. The family accepts the generous offer of rent for hosting the professor and we soon find out Wirth's intentions are more of the occult and finding the ancient viking Rune Stones left behind than of research. The opening scene starts out with a narrative briefly explaining Hitler's fascination with the occult and how he felt it was the key to victory for his perfect race. The opening scene is dark, a bit gritty and shrouded in mystery. The audience is set up for a very grim occult horror film.

Flash forward to present day and we are introduced to the Marshall brothers, Evan is a paramedic and Victor is a war veteran who was thought to be killed in the war. When the brothers reunite Victor asks his brother to assist him in something that will change him forever. The brothers canoe down the town's creek and then take the fastest 2 mile walk I've ever seen to a farm. Armed with shotguns the brothers don't wait long to start shooting at the family, eventually we find out the reason they are there is because the family has been kidnapping people to feed a beast they've been hiding. This beast is none other than Wirth, the professor of the Third Reich. Wirth became obsessed with the Rune Stone (which happened to be right on the family farm and used as the foundation for the barn) and its power. He had tried to do a ritual to gain a third eye and secure immortality for himself.

The family ends up not being quite the antagonist they were set up by the Marshall brothers to be as they had intentions of a greater good to keep Wirth fed (on human blood that is needed for the ritual of course) than to let him go and reek havoc on the world. He is also contained by certain paintings that act as a barrier he can't cross. His barn, the family house and the fence enclosing the farm are all sealed with these paintings.

Wirth eventually gets free of his "cage" inside the barn when the father of the family gets home, gets shot and barrels through the barn wall. This turns the movie into a "stalk and slash" film where the monster waits outside until someone comes out or baits them out. Eventually the family inside the house and the Marshall brothers band together and come up with a plan to defeat Wirth.

Blood Creek starts out grim and dark and really seemed like it could be something noteworthy. It quickly divulges into familiar territory that was competent but predictable. Schumacher's direction is serviceable but again, nothing to write home about. I understand that the screenplay used is much different than the original and that the original was much more based around the occult and powers than the slasher we got. The acting was good enough, the score wasn't memorable and lighting was fine. All in all it was about as middle of the road as it gets but it was entertaining for a viewing and you can certainly find worse horror movies out there.

One final note before I forget- The artwork for this movie was awesome and it was equally as disappointing that the movie wasn't better based on the artwork and opening scene.

6/10

Taking Horror To A New Dimension

This has been on my mind for a while now and tonight I think I've blown a fuse.

I'm talking about 3D movies. And not just horror but all genres. 3D was a cute little trend in the 1950s when it was new and had people excited to go down to their theater and put on their red and blue glasses and see whatever picture the studios added another dimension for nothing more than a gimmick. Horror was at the forefront of the trend then, and still are during its revival over the past year.

And I for one am sick of it. I bit into it with the remake of My Bloody Valentine and the only thing that saved that movie from being a total shitfest was Tom Atkins who has been a badass for decades. Speaking on the 3D of the movie it wasn't great. Sure it was an improvement over the anaglyphic red and blue days but with 50 years of technology you're telling me this is the best they've got? Get real.

Its a marginal improvement that added nothing to movie and in fact took me out of the movie because I was waiting for the next hokey gimmick shot of an eyeball flying towards me or flames climbing out of the screen. Its obvious that the filmmakers were far too preoccupied with their nonsense 3D to make a decent film. And this is the problem with just about all 3D films. The addition of another visual dimension turns the whole movie into a fucking jerkoff fest of who can create the cooler visual effect and we, the audience get Hollywood's collective load blown all over us because we had to pay (extra, mind you) to see this nonsense.

There is another chord struck. Not only do we still have to wear the ridiculous glasses still (more like sunglasses these days) we have to pay extra, upwards of $3, to rent them! And I've heard the argument "Nobody is stopping you from taking them home if you want to keep them." Who in the blue hell wants to keep these things!? Someone please give me a legitimate reason to keep the glasses. Am I going to walk around with them on pretending I'm in a shitty movie? The only thing keeping them instead of depositing them in the return box is drive up the cost of everything else in the theater since they now have to replace the stupid things.

I've been told that because I haven't seen Avatar (in IMAX no less) that I don't have a full understanding of 3D. I've read enough reviews from trusted sources to confirm that Avatar is yet another Hollywood circle jerk and that I'm expected to look past a bland plot for this visual orgasm. And if the only proper way of experiencing it is to spend $15 at an IMAX theater they'll burn in hell before they get my money on it.

It seems every movie coming out is attached with "3D" at the end by the time production starts... Ghostbusters 3 has been announced, there is talks of Gremlins 3 in 3D, Jeepers Creepers 3 in 3D (which also has the biggest ripoff subtitle I've ever heard of). What the fuck happened to making a movie? Now its just a Disney World attraction, but without the fun rides or attractive women walking around as princesses.

Most movies that get released these days are total shit in 2D, let alone when they try to add another dimension. How about this Hollywood: You start making good movies again without 3D and I won't get so pissed when you want to add some crazy visual effects to it. Every hack director in the world can make a 3D movie with no plot, shit writing and wooden acting if they have the funding. Give me $100m and I'll make The Fast & The Furious 5 with Vin Diesel's shitty acting in 3D. Or how about Zombieween 3 in 3D... oh wait...

Halloween 2 (2009)

I'm aware I'm late seeing this modern day slasher remake sequel from infamous bringer of shit Rob Zombie. The reason for my tardiness is that I refused to spend theater prices on seeing it and the $1 from Redbox (I forgot to find a free code online) seemed far easier to stomach. Well I feel like a large man raped me and made me cry for days on end.

From here on out the movie will be referred to as Zombieween 2 as I really feel its a disgrace to the original Halloween franchise. Yes, even the later entries. The movie picks up somewhat where the remake from 2007 left off. Laurie Strode is being taken to the hospital to treat her wounds, though this is after we see her walking around without too much trouble. Myers who isn't dead is also strapped into an ambulance with a couple of typical Rob Zombie characters who just seem to say "fuck" a lot and continue to perfectly define white trash. In the only entertaining portion of the entire 97 minute duration the ambulance rams full speed into a cow that was crossing the road. This may only be funny to me because I thought about when I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning in theaters and another cow was ran into and a friend of mine couldn't help but yell "fucking bovine!" at the screen and crack up the entire theater. Now that the ambulance is smashed up Myers is freed and in an amazing strike of luck he is able to find a shard of glass that looks just like a knife and not only kill the surviving paramedic but saw his head off in a scene that was surely meant to do little than stroke Rob Zombie's own ego.

After this we get a Laurie hospital scene that isn't worth going into because it ends up being a 10 minute dream. Follow this with some typical slasher movie fare that just wasn't nearly as entertaining as a slasher should be and throw in some remarkably stupid visions involving Laurie's dead mother, a white horse, young Michael and some snow and we have the majority of the body of the film.

When we get to the big finale, we have more visions and illusions, Michael and Laurie locked in a shack and Dr Loomis somehow able to walk through a police barricade to get in there to talk sense into Michael. After some truly bad choices of seeing the shot through a night-visioned sniper scope's point of view Michael is taken down (but certainly not out as Zombieween 3 is coming) we get Laurie walking out of the shed with Michael's mask on and it looked sillier than when young Michael wore the mask in the first Zombieween.

And finally the movie closes out with Laurie sitting with her head down in a long white hospital room, quite obviously a psych ward, and when she looks up we get one last look at Sherri Moon Zombie and her fucking white horse. Then the shot cuts back to Laurie who looks up and gives an incredibly cheesy smirk to the camera.

John Carpenter's music doesn't show up until the scene of Laurie wearing the mask which is a shame since Zombie's choices for music weren't good. Rob Zombie really wanted to make an artsy film here under the moniker of Halloween and what we got was a giant turd. A giant horse turd. In fact I was the white horse would have taken a dump every time it was on screen, at least then we would have some symbolism for the film.

This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

No Thanks/10

You think this is a costume? Its a way of life!

For the second time in a month I'm writing due to a big loss in not just the world of horror, but all of film. Director, writer, special effects artist Dan O'Bannon has passed away at the age of 63.

Probably best known for directing the cult hit Return Of The Living Dead, which has spawned four sequels to date, O'Bannon was also a very accomplished writer. Penning Alien, Total Recall, Dead & Buried among Others. He even did some special effects work on Star Wars. The man could do it all, and did everything well. He may not have the longest list of accolades but anyone familiar to the genre knows of his impact.

O'Bannon's passing hits me hard as Return Of The Living Dead is one of my favorite horror films and has been a part of my life since I was seven years old. It had a huge impact on me, and really got me into horror and a few years later punk rock thanks to the soundtrack.

So to finish this up all I can say is that it really was a way of life for Dan. Thanks for the memories.

1946-2009

Mulberry Street (2006)

The annual After Dark Horrorfest started in 2006 and since then each year After Dark Films has released "8 Films To Die For". Generally these films are straight-to-video quality, with a pleasant surprise showing up once in a while.

Mulberry Street was part of the 2nd annual Horrorfest, which actually presented nine films, though only eight of them made the short theatrical run, with the ninth going to DVD. It was helmed by Jim Mickle who hasn't done much of any significance from the director's chair, though he does have fairly extensive credit as a crew member, primarily as a grip. Its quite obvious that someone with little directing experience was in charge as there was no real style to any of it. There was a considerable amount of shaky cam during the action scenes, which i attribute to being a product of the times for most modern horror and other than that it was shot very straight forward.

A plague-like disease is spreading throughout Manhattan thanks to the rat population. When bitten by an infected rat or human as it came to be, the victim would soon turn into what can only be described as a ratman. The face would take rat-like features including the pointy ears and teeth. And with any movie of this sort, the infected are very aggressive and violent, always looking to make someone else into a six foot rat.

The story revolves around the residents of a single apartment building. Kay (Bo Corre) is a bartender and single mother of a teenage boy who is caught at work when the outbreak occurs. Her friend Clutch (Nick Damici) is fairly stereotypical hard ass from New York who decided to secure her son and the rest of his friends in the apartment then rescue her. He uses nothing more then a pair of taped up fists to do the dirty work along the way.

And that right there is basically the whole movie. Very little else happens, there are some scenes of action with the rat people which are heavily plagued by shaky cam. The residents who poorly barricaded themselves in their apartments are surviving as the rats have a hard time getting in for the most part, and you really don't care about any of the characters too much. Clutch may be the only exception as he puts his own life on the line for Kay and her son.

There isn't too much else to say. The residents of Mulberry Street were ravaged by disease for a night, and according to the newscast on the television so was most of Manhattan but you couldn't prove it even if you had to. The movie never strays from the neighborhood and keeps everything on a small scale. The movie isn't a total failure however. There is enough action to keep us satisfied, even if it seems fairly pointless since staying in your apartment worked out pretty well. And its not so long as to the point of you getting bored but it could have chopped five or ten minutes off and we would have lost nothing.

I think had they gone with a sillier feel to it all it would have been better. Add tails to the rat people, make them more like rats in movement, something. Anything to add some flair to the movie. As it stands its more or less a movie about the Black Death with a lot less death.

4/10

Apocalypse Mercenaries (1986)

A couple of months back I was looking around a Best Buy store and a friend noticed a stack of about 15 copies of something called Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell's Heroes. I had no idea that there was a sequel to Enzo G. Castellari's 1978 action movie, and after about 30 seconds of research I found out there isn't. Apparently Video Asia who owns the distribution rights to Hell's Heroes decided to capitalize on the recent interest of films called Inglorious Bastards, and slapped it in front of the title. I then realize this DVD is a set of four action films dealing with war as BASTARDS did. The package contained no information about these movies at all except for their titles and I figured they'd at least be cheesy fun.

Cut to today where I finally popped the disc into the player and decided on Leandro Lucchetti's APOCALYPSE MERCENARIES. I had no familiarity with Lucchetti or the film so all I was hoping for was entertainment for its 85 minute runtime.

The film starts out as a group of 5 mercenaries, each with a specific specialty, get together to do something. What that something was took a while to figure out. After getting through the credits which showed much of the action which was to come, including the same bridge blowing up no less than three times, were finished, it took another forty minutes to get to plot. Those first forty minutes were nothing but the group walking around encountering something and blowing it up. An airstrip, some barrels, a bridge, anything that the Nazis used they were destroying it. I would estimate that at least half of everything up to this point was recycled footage from at least a few other movies, all of which was extremely poorly edited in.

Eventually a plot is revealed, the mercs are going to destroy a secret Nazi hideout built into some caves. So now our heroes have a reason to be carrying large guns which have taken down German bomber planes and turned them to dust, and dynamite which they use without thinking twice. Its more of the same, as the group fights to get to the cave, and by this point I've honestly all interest in the movie. There was one scene that made laugh though. The Nazis had intercepted a radio transmission from the mercenaries and sent bombers to their camp. The camp was in an open green field. The camera cuts to a shot of one of the members on a radio calling for help and you can see outside of his tent and there is clearly snow on the ground, it cuts back to the bombs hitting the ground and its green. After a few chuckles I realized that this whole movie was just sad. Yes, our heroes saved the day and defeated this group of Nazis but I couldn't have cared less.

I've seen a lot of bad action movies and this ranks up there. It wasn't the worst but there really wasn't much redeeming about it. The acting was terrible, the dubbing sounded like they were just reading from a book, a large chunk of the whole movie wasn't even made for this movie. I was hoping for fun, I got a nap-inducing crap fest. I hope the other three movies in the DVD set are better, but I'm not expecting it.


2/10

And to add to my disdain for this movie I can't find a poster or any type of artwork from the movie to include in this entry. What a joke.

Edit to add: Just learned that Video Asia is a company widely known for bootlegs. Not a surprise at all since the video was obviously sourced from a VHS in not too great of shape and had burned in Asian subtitles. Just a heads up to any of you DVD buyers out there, watch out for Video Asia.