Monday, August 22, 2011

New Hellraiser movie, huh? Welp, see ya later.

So the trailer for Hellraiser Revelations was just released and my first thought was You have to be kidding me. Where's Ashton because I'm being punked". It looks like a fan movie, in fact I've seen fan movies that look better than this. The entire thing just looks cheap and full of make up and props you could buy at a Spirit Halloween store any year when October rolls around. Now you may be asking how I could gather enough of an opinion on this movie from a 2 minute trailer so here it is -

Now do you understand? It isn't like this series was trash from the beginning and each sequel just got a little worse than the one before. The first two films are widely regarded as classics of horror cinema and are works of Clive Barker (who directed the first). Even the third installment, Hell On Earth, is a bit of campy fun. The rest of the series is really hit or miss, mainly miss, but with some troubles during production of Bloodline and a few scripts that threw in Pinhead and made it a Hellraiser movie, it hardly matters and doesn't take away from those first two classics. They're dark and haunting, they feature creatures that were formerly human but now look as if they truly are disfigured and evil. Not like a shitty actor who can't deliver his recycled one liners from the original in a $50 costume from the clearance rack on November 1st. Clive Barker has already stated how this isn't his work and that he doesn't support it at all and 8 films (even when the movie was fucking awful) would be ashamed to be connected with this new asshole.

The Weinstein brothers want to know why their Dimension/Dimension Extreme label is constantly on the verge of bankruptcy? It is probably because they poor their fucking money into complete and utter bullshit like Hellraiser Revelations. They might have made some money off of this thing had they not released a trailer for it off of the title alone. A few poor unsuspecting saps would pick this up and realize they've been duped. I really hope everyone involved in this gets shit on, literally. That seems fair for my eyes and brain having been shit on for 2 precious fucking minutes of my life.

I've had a Revelation that Hellraiser really is dead for good.

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