Day 8 started with a re-watch of Hatchet 3. I first saw this when it was On Demand and my buddy and I had a marathon of all 3. By the time part 3 came around I had sipped on too many beers to remember a lot of it and I didn't care for most of what I saw. Skip forward to this viewing and I still think it is the worst of the trilogy but it has the same stupid humor as the first 2, which I have found to be pretty entertaining and the same stupid over the top kills which I found fun. Are the Hatchet movies great? No, but they're fun as hell to me.
Next was a short film that was meant to be an installment in a Full Moon anthology film called Pulsepounders but all of the footage was lost back in 1987. This is an adaptation of a H. P. Lovecraft story, The Evil Clergyman. It's cheesy in its delivery but with Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton you really can't go wrong. Interesting to see and has that classic Full Moon charm.
Next up was Corruption, which you can read the full disc review HERE
A slasher was up next, from 1987, The Majorettes. This was from the team responsible for Return Of The Living Dead and was their first film after making that classic. This is no classic, and never will be. It is a rather unremarkable but harmless body count film with a twist easily spotted a mile away. It isn't terrible but it isn't that good either.
The day came to a close with a pre-sleep viewing of The Incredible Melting Man. I'd never seen this movie before and I had just bought the Blu-ray a few days earlier so I figured this was something stupid and easy for while I'm in bed. If you want to get down to it the movie itself, concerning an astronaut returning from around Saturn who is now melting and has to eat human flesh, is pretty damn bad but Rick Baker's awesome special effects are really what you came to see. Nobody cares that much about the story with a title like The Incredible Melting Man, right? The effects are awesome and make for a stupid good time to totally turn your brain off.
Then day 9 came and almost broke me...
I'm sitting at the computer trying to find the words I want to type for the review of the first movie I watched today. Today has introduced me to what may be the single most bang-my-head-into-a-brick-wall worthy movie I've ever seen. It is worse than that. So much worse. Words are failing me. This movie took true stamina and endurance to sit through. It was worse than watching the Baltimore Orioles suck ass for a decade. It was worse than watching The Great Khali wrestle. I'm typing, trying to buy some time until the appropriate words enter my mind. They aren't coming. I'm not even entirely sure they exist.
Detention is about a group of teens who are being killed off by an unknown killer and they have to go back to 1992 to find out who and why. They of course travel through time via the school's bear mascot. I am not going any further into the plot than that because it is so contrived, over saturated with stupid fucking ideas and bullshit 90s worship that it makes my head hurt. Watching this movie is the equivalent to reading the Encyclopedia in 12 year old girl text message language. It will give you a massive headache and it will test your patience to not only turn it off but set your tv on fire so that you don't try to turn it back on just to say you finished it. I'm a person that did a lot of my growing up in the 90s, I have great nostalgia for that decade and miss lots of things about it. This movie takes it to a vomit inducing extreme. The 90s are gone, get the fuck over it. It is as if the most unworthy of his own self-importance, H&M jean, black rim glasses, sweater vest wearing hipster slipped on his fucking boat shoes and decided to make a movie about how much cooler the 90s were. I know nothing about the director, and I won't waste my time. If I'm totally off base on that thought than so be it but it is the most obnoxious thing I've witnessed. Ever stereotype from high school is present and on full display, we even get a flashback through several different eras of high school back to 1992.
On the technical side of things, this movie barely comes together as a movie. I don't know who let the writer even think about writing a screenplay or who gave the editor their job but jesus fucking christ, please someone, anyone, tell them to stop because they haven't a fucking clue. The special effects are cringe worthy and they shit talk Hellboy 2. I've written 3 paragraphs and I still haven't said what I want to say. If I had a physical copy of Detention I'd drive to Ocean City, MD and punt this mother fucker into the briny depths of the Atlantic where it would rest side by side with my friend Keenan's copy of Murder Set Pieces. Except Murder Set Pieces would hitch a ride on a passing crab and get the fuck away from it. Because not even Murder Set Pieces wants anything to do with this turd. Goddamn I am pissed off.
Luckily for me, and my mental state I was eventually able to carry on...
Virgin Witch is an early 70s British horror film that is very light on the scares and very heavy on the skin. Every character in the film gets buck naked at one point or another and often it is in large groups. This is a slow burning story about a coven of witches that never really goes anywhere but I'll excuse it for all the attractive eye candy on display.
A film I've long wondered about but just finally saw followed that up... Night Of The Demon. No, not Night of the Demon aka Curse of the Demon from director Jacques Tourneur, or even the Linnea Quigley lipstick tube classic Night Of The Demons... no, this is 1980's Night Of The Demon, in which bigfoot rips off a man's penis. Yes, this is what I was wondering about. I don't have to tell you that this is going to be cheesy and utterly ridiculous? I also shouldn't have to tell you that if you can appreciate such ham and cheese in your movies that you'll certainly have fun with this one.
Today's Rundown
Hatchet 3 - 6.5/10
The Evil Clergyman - 6/10
Corruption - 8/10
The Majorettes - 5.5/10
The Incredible Melting Man - 6.5/10
Detention -
Virgin Witch - 5/10
Night Of The Demon - 7/10
The Baby - 6/10
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