New Hellraiser movie, huh? Welp, see ya later.

So the trailer for Hellraiser Revelations was just released and my first thought was You have to be kidding me. Where's Ashton because I'm being punked". It looks like a fan movie, in fact I've seen fan movies that look better than this. The entire thing just looks cheap and full of make up and props you could buy at a Spirit Halloween store any year when October rolls around. Now you may be asking how I could gather enough of an opinion on this movie from a 2 minute trailer so here it is -



Now do you understand? It isn't like this series was trash from the beginning and each sequel just got a little worse than the one before. The first two films are widely regarded as classics of horror cinema and are works of Clive Barker (who directed the first). Even the third installment, Hell On Earth, is a bit of campy fun. The rest of the series is really hit or miss, mainly miss, but with some troubles during production of Bloodline and a few scripts that threw in Pinhead and made it a Hellraiser movie, it hardly matters and doesn't take away from those first two classics. They're dark and haunting, they feature creatures that were formerly human but now look as if they truly are disfigured and evil. Not like a shitty actor who can't deliver his recycled one liners from the original in a $50 costume from the clearance rack on November 1st. Clive Barker has already stated how this isn't his work and that he doesn't support it at all and 8 films (even when the movie was fucking awful) would be ashamed to be connected with this new asshole.

The Weinstein brothers want to know why their Dimension/Dimension Extreme label is constantly on the verge of bankruptcy? It is probably because they poor their fucking money into complete and utter bullshit like Hellraiser Revelations. They might have made some money off of this thing had they not released a trailer for it off of the title alone. A few poor unsuspecting saps would pick this up and realize they've been duped. I really hope everyone involved in this gets shit on, literally. That seems fair for my eyes and brain having been shit on for 2 precious fucking minutes of my life.

I've had a Revelation that Hellraiser really is dead for good.

Tamara (2005)

I remember seeing this movie on DVD at Wal-Mart everytime I went into a Wal-Mart for a few months around the time it was released. It looked pretty craptacular back then and I thought "what the fuck, lets watch it" tonight when I saw it was available on FearNet in HD.

The story is Tamara is a very intelligent but weak, bullied, loser girl in her senior year of high school who is in love with her charming, kind English teacher. She also has an affinity for witchcraft Her bullying gets worse after a local newspaper article exposes steroid use among the local high school sports stars. After luring her to a local motel with her teacher love as fake bait, the jock stars get video of her stripping and a deadly struggle ensues. After the reality sets in for the popular kids that they'll be convicted of their crime they decide to bury Tamara. A new sexy, confident Tamara walks in to class the following Monday to the surprise of all the kids involved. Tamara has come back from the dead thanks to a spell and now she will kill anyone in her way from getting her way with the one she loves.

TAMARA had far more positives than I expected. The stereotypical movie high school student was well represented but it worked and they even brought a few laughs. In fact, the acting overall was competent. The problem is that the movie goes down the road of shit slasher film as soon as Tamara comes back from the dead. It turns in to nothing more than any run of the mill body count film with a psycho cunt witch bitch in control of the knife wielding maniac. It became boring fast and extremely preditcable. I have very little else to say because there isn't much else to say. It is what it is. With (more than) a few beers it was a cheap time waster, but not a very good one. That said, it did exceed my very low expectations.

4/10

Nightmare In A Damaged Brain (1981)

After years of broken promises and delays NIGHTMARE IN A DAMAGED BRAIN has finally made it's way to DVD thanks to the folks at Code Red. Released simply as NIGHTMARE, I was pretty excited to see this Video Nasty for the first time after hearing about it for years.

George Tatum (Baird Stafford) is a potentially homicidal schizophrenic who suffers from seizures which are accompanied with disturbing fever dreams of a young boy attacking a woman and his father with an axe during the adults having sex. Tatum has is now wandering the streets with only an experimental drug to keep him sane. Over the course of 6 days he makes his way down to Florida, leaving a trail of blood in his wake. As his dreams get worse so do the killings until George is confronted with his past.

Writer/Director Romano Scavolini delivers what would become one of the most notorious slasher films of the 80s and one of the more disturbed as well. Baird Stafford does well in playing a mentally disturbed man who is torn up over what he does to people but the acting won't win any awards. This is your typical slasher film when it comes to acting, a few decent performances with a lot of overacting and some truly obnoxious characters (the mom!). There is enough of the red stuff to keep all of the gorehounds happy, and the effects are pretty damn good. This movie has one of the best decapitation scenes I've had the pleasure of viewing. Pacing may be one of the biggest problems about NIGHTMARE. Scavolini left rather large chunks of time with not a whole hell of a lot happening except for annoying characters to get under our skin just a little bit more. There are some killings during these stretches but some of them are off screen so there is minimal pay off.

After years of hearing about NIGHTMARE IN A DAMAGED BRAIN I was a mixed bag of reactions. Did it totally live up to the hype? No, not really. Was it entertaining? Yes, especially the final half hour or so. As most horror fans know dozens of movies were given the infamous "Video Nasty" tag in the UK during the excess crazed days of the 1980s and many are notable for that alone as they aren't very good. NIGHTMARE has enough entertainment and madness to keep your attention. If you're a fan of the gory body count films of the 80s you'll definitely get some enjoyment out of this.

7/10

TrollHunter (2010)

TrollHunter has been on my radar for many months now. As I've found out more about my interest slowly grew and grew until I was able to see it tonight thanks to a friend shelling out the $6 for the On Demand presentation.

This is a "found footage" movie, you know the kind- Some tragic event that was captured on a handheld video camera is presented in the point of view from the crew that usually have gone missing. These movies have become pretty prevalent since 1999's The Blair Witch Project. With very mixed results. TrollHunter is the story of a small film crew from a local college in Norway searching out a local bear poacher as the bear population of the country is tightly controlled. They quickly run into Hans (Otto Jespersen) who they believe to be the poacher. It doesn't take long to discover that is actually an aging, and jaded government worker who is out to control the troll population that is kept secret by the Norwegian government.

Hans allows the group to follow him in his confidential work because he's become fed up with his thankless job. The group does what any crew looking for their big break would do and subjects themselves to the dangers that various types of trolls bring. After several violent encounters that leave the crew battered and bruised, and down a man, Hans goes to find the giant troll in the snowy mountains that is the cause of all of the problems for a wild finale.

TrollHunter is briskly paced, getting from point to point with little down time in action or troll hunting. The acting is engaging and believable and the story, while silly on paper, is a great grown up fairy tale. The visuals are fun and at times breathtaking, with really great effects on the monsters themselves. The filmmakers did a great job in creating a diverse group of breeds with each having it's own characteristics and design. From the Mountain King to the Ringlefinch and the gigantic Jotner, Norway is infested. And I couldn't be happier about it because that was a fucking blast. I wish all fairy tales were this cool.

8.5/10

Kung Fu: Punch Of Death - Grindhouse Experience vol. 10

I will say that I'm sorry that it took this long to get to the next entry of this series. At this point you've probably figured out that the set is broken down into "double features" and I simply was not in the mood for an Italian gangster film. God forbid I skipped one because I needed some guaranteed fun in my life. And how can a title like Punch Of Death not be fun?

I'll never quite figure out how this boxset came to be. There is no way one single man masterminded the whole thing. The movies, the transfers, the dubs, the packaging. This had to a team hellbent on shoddy transfers and shit releases. The Prodigal Boxer aka Kung Fu: Punch Of Death is another okay film subjected to this set. Punch Of Death is a Kung-Fu film based on a pretty typical story of one man having to avenge another's demise. And that is really putting much more into the film than is actually there. It really is that simple.

There is plenty of action here, enough to keep me well entertained while enjoying some brews. It even replicates the attitude of a solid spaghetti western at times during the story which aids it along because the story on it's own is thin and pleading for anything entertaining. This movie is for any fan of classic Shaw Brothers material but it never does get to their level. This is a movie to watch on a boring Friday night with some beers.

5/10

Infini-Tropolis

Hello readers, this is a short entry to let you know that a few reviews of mine are up on www.infini-tropolis.com Infini is a great cult/horror film site that any reader of this blog would be a huge fan of. It is free of internet douchebags, it has great reviews and features and a message board full of cult fanatics that are sure to have you thrilled with all sorts of new material you need to check out.

Infini-Tropolis also has a Facebook page that you should like and follow.


There you have it. A life changing website that has been handed to you on a silver platter... Go and contribute!

Case 39 (2009)

I tried to settle down on this one a little by sleeping on it. Please believe me in saying that I really did try.

Emily Jenkins (Renee Zellweger) is a state social worker just assigned with a new case (you guessed it, her 39th) on Lily Sullivan who is showing signs of neglect. After an uncomfortable visit with Lily and her parents, Emily takes up an interest in Lily and after receiving a disturbing phone call Emily rushes over with her detective friend Mike (Ian McShane) to discover Lily is in the process of being burned alive by her parents in the oven. Lily is freed, her parents institutionalized, and Emily petitions for custody of the child until a permanent foster home is found for her. Not soon after, it becomes clear that Lily isn't the sweet innocent child she seems to be.

CASE 39 is a movie that you watch and think "I'd rather have stepped in a pile of dog shit". Seriously. We are supposed to be terrified of this little girl who can basically make you hallucinate your fears and drive you mad until you kill yourself and plant murderous thoughts in your head and is just all around evil. The movie could have been over well before Emily ever took custody of her had Lily's parents just shot her or cut her throat or anything less dramatic than throwing her in the fucking oven. The characters are so painfully paper thin that we don't care how they meet their end whether it be stabbing themselves in the eye with a fork(when did we start giving metal forks and steak knives to violent crazies inside the hopsital!?), or being chased by bees (in a scene that makes Nic Cage from The Wicker Man remake look good) and killing yourself in the bathroom it just doesn't matter. The acting is wooden and the editing awkward and choppy. And fuck the pacing of this movie. 109 minutes. 109 minutes of staring at Renee Zellweger's scrunched up "I can't fucking act so I'll just be ugly to cover it up" face is too much to handle. She ruins just about every movie she's in and while this one wouldn't have been saved by someone else, at least they wouldn't have been Renee fucking Zellweger.

CASE 39 was filmed in 2006 and sat on the shelf in almost every country it was released in until 2009, the USA waited with overflowing anticipation until October of 2010. And boy, what a treat we got. Demon child who is apparently really hard to kill and knows all of your thoughts but can be tricked into drinking tea with a crushed up sleeping pill in it? And then when she falls asleep from that pill you soak the whole house in gasoline EXCEPT FOR HER FUCKING BEDROOM? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FUCK OFF. And don't even try to tell me that soaking her door counts. The bitch has a window.

Seriously one of the worst movies I've ever seen.