Monday, January 25, 2010

Taking Horror To A New Dimension

This has been on my mind for a while now and tonight I think I've blown a fuse.

I'm talking about 3D movies. And not just horror but all genres. 3D was a cute little trend in the 1950s when it was new and had people excited to go down to their theater and put on their red and blue glasses and see whatever picture the studios added another dimension for nothing more than a gimmick. Horror was at the forefront of the trend then, and still are during its revival over the past year.

And I for one am sick of it. I bit into it with the remake of My Bloody Valentine and the only thing that saved that movie from being a total shitfest was Tom Atkins who has been a badass for decades. Speaking on the 3D of the movie it wasn't great. Sure it was an improvement over the anaglyphic red and blue days but with 50 years of technology you're telling me this is the best they've got? Get real.

Its a marginal improvement that added nothing to movie and in fact took me out of the movie because I was waiting for the next hokey gimmick shot of an eyeball flying towards me or flames climbing out of the screen. Its obvious that the filmmakers were far too preoccupied with their nonsense 3D to make a decent film. And this is the problem with just about all 3D films. The addition of another visual dimension turns the whole movie into a fucking jerkoff fest of who can create the cooler visual effect and we, the audience get Hollywood's collective load blown all over us because we had to pay (extra, mind you) to see this nonsense.

There is another chord struck. Not only do we still have to wear the ridiculous glasses still (more like sunglasses these days) we have to pay extra, upwards of $3, to rent them! And I've heard the argument "Nobody is stopping you from taking them home if you want to keep them." Who in the blue hell wants to keep these things!? Someone please give me a legitimate reason to keep the glasses. Am I going to walk around with them on pretending I'm in a shitty movie? The only thing keeping them instead of depositing them in the return box is drive up the cost of everything else in the theater since they now have to replace the stupid things.

I've been told that because I haven't seen Avatar (in IMAX no less) that I don't have a full understanding of 3D. I've read enough reviews from trusted sources to confirm that Avatar is yet another Hollywood circle jerk and that I'm expected to look past a bland plot for this visual orgasm. And if the only proper way of experiencing it is to spend $15 at an IMAX theater they'll burn in hell before they get my money on it.

It seems every movie coming out is attached with "3D" at the end by the time production starts... Ghostbusters 3 has been announced, there is talks of Gremlins 3 in 3D, Jeepers Creepers 3 in 3D (which also has the biggest ripoff subtitle I've ever heard of). What the fuck happened to making a movie? Now its just a Disney World attraction, but without the fun rides or attractive women walking around as princesses.

Most movies that get released these days are total shit in 2D, let alone when they try to add another dimension. How about this Hollywood: You start making good movies again without 3D and I won't get so pissed when you want to add some crazy visual effects to it. Every hack director in the world can make a 3D movie with no plot, shit writing and wooden acting if they have the funding. Give me $100m and I'll make The Fast & The Furious 5 with Vin Diesel's shitty acting in 3D. Or how about Zombieween 3 in 3D... oh wait...

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